This Is My Life

March 24, 2010 at 2:48 pm (The Past)

This is your chance to read a true story about a young mid-western woman that has suffered her entire life, and is struggling to save her family. This is a race against the clock. This is going to be dramatic. This is not something for people who like short stories. If you want to know me, you’ll have to read my past and present blogs. I hope someone finds something in what I have to say.

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1:23pm 3/24/10

March 24, 2010 at 1:41 pm (The Present)

I talked to Lindsay on the phone. She’s my best friend since 5th grade. She’s been around for a lot of the dramas. Yet, a few years ago, before it really got bad (my adult life) she became a mother and a girlfriend. She started college,  and was buying a place to live.. I didn’t see much of her unless I went there. I didn’t like that much because her boyfriend was there usually and we had no privacy to talk. (Sorry Rob, it’s nothin personal!)

Lindsay doesn’t seem to judge me. Sometimes I wonder why she sticks around. Maybe I amuse her. LOL. My life is a huge steaming pile of shit usually. Linds does pray for me, though. As I do for her. We try to remind eachother that God has this big master plan for us. I just wish I knew what he is preparing me for? The psych ward? Because if they take my children for letting my mother babysit without being approved first, then I will lose my freaking mind. That’s plain and simple.

Do you know what a guardian ad litem is? Well, if you don’t, it’s an attorney hired by the state to represent children that cannot speak for themselves. My 2 year old talks. He bawls every time a visit ends. Why do we need her? I’m sure there’s good GAL’s out there, but I have this list I got of their job description, and this one doesn’t do her job. On top of that, she hates me, and SURE lets that be known.

I have nobody to talk to. Is anyone even reading this?

I’ve been getting 2 visits per week with my kids since October. A few weeks ago, it went from fully supervised to semi-supervised with myself transporting my children. Last week we decided on another visit a week, to begin next week. I set this visit up with a provider I set myself up with. Had my attorney advised me that I could have progressed further before termination court, by setting up more visits, I would have my kids on a trial home placement or close, by now.

Why would my attorney fail to mention details like that?

You know, I have made mistakes. My attorney says “dont minimize”, that makes me sound like I don’t care or something. Well, here it is in black and white for ya’ll: A few YEARS ago I broke a rule and had my kids’ dad around them. YEARS passed and then this last October I let my mom babysit… this is why they have decided to possibly remove my babies FOREVER. So….I don’t know about you, but that is a bunch of bullshit to me. Sorry if I offended anyone’s beliefs. I BELIEVE that problems arise in every family, and they deal with them. I didn’t know my mother could not babysit! She’s my mom! She can care for my baby sister and baby brother, and my small neices and nephews, but NOT MY KIDS?

 I would rather be with my kids then go anywhere. Don’t mistake that. I just hadn’t seen my friends in so long, and wanted so very much to sit back in a chair, relax my shoulders for once in 5 years, and sip a glass of wine, talk about politics, and school, and boys. Anything but the case for one night. That was all.

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March 24, 2010 at 12:59 pm (The Past)

You know what pisses me off? My mother was this hardcore junkie when I was growing up. My father was an alcoholic. I expiremented with pot and, yeah, drinking. I found out I didn’t like it, but not before getting arrested and starting a spinning world of disaster that has lasted 5 years of my life.

When I got arrested, I was with Jake. He was my sweet boyfriend. He loved my son. Preston’s dad, Josh wasn’t around much. See, after I had Preston, I moved back to my hometown (I lived with my dad 40 miles away during my pregnancy, then moved in with my stable aunt Sally for 4 months to learn how to even hold him). I then got a nice apartment, a good job, and we moved in our own place alone. For about 2 months I felt great. I got a car, I easily was able to pay bills, and put food in my house. Preston was the greatest gift, and joy. He still is to me, and will always be. I was 18. Josh was 17. He didn’t want Preston to be born. I made the choice to be a single mother. Half my family was so mean to me for making that choice. The other half didn’t really say much. I got my GED while pregnant.

Anyway, Preston was sleeping one night. I was in the living room, staring at my phone. Josh’s number stained in my mind. Now please know that I did not have Preston to make Josh love me. I knew he didn’t and never would.

I suddenly felt so lonely. I worked all the time, and Preston did not sleep through the night for the longest time. Mostly, I chose to sleep with him, because it comforted me. I know now how pathetic it sounds, but back then, when Preston looked at me – I saw love for the very first time in my life. This overwhelming love. I guess I must have called Josh that night because I thought maybe if we could come to common ground that I could spend more time with my son, and Josh would help. I thought he would love him.

Can you believe I did have a single bed in Preston’s room, already made up, because most nights I stayed awake just to be sure. Just to watch his precious chest move up and down. Here I sit crying, because I miss him. He is gone now.

I made a big mistake inviting Josh into his life. When Josh answered that night, and wanted to come look at our sleeping baby, I said yes. I said yes.

Josh fell in love with him. We did the paternity test for Josh’s parents sake mostly. It was positive, I’m not the sleep around type. Josh stayed often, in that single bed in Preston’s room. They played when I cleaned.

I found out Josh was on meth. It broke my heart. So I told him to leave us alone, get help, but not to be around if he is on drugs. A long time passed.

When I was arrested 5 years ago, they let Preston stay with me. Then Jake, the guy I ended up having 2 more kids with, well he self-mutilates. I knew he did it in high school, but never saw it until one night he took an exacto knife, you know- for boxes- and cut 8 cuts, very deep into his leg below his knee.

This was outside. Jake was drunk. Preston was in bed.

DHS found out because Ihad to call an ambulance. They told me I couldn’t be with Jake anymore.

I had a job that I had to take a bus to and from everyday. One day I had to work late, so I asked my brother to pick Preston up from daycare, and start dinner. He agreed.

Nobody picked him up. I ran all the way to the daycare. I shouted. I banged on the doors. I screamed and cried. They had been closed for hours. Nobody from the daycare even tried to call me at work. Not ONE emergency contact. They just called DHS and they took him away to a foster home.

I found this out because I went home and saw Jake sleeping in my living room. I yelled at him. He had been working with my brother doing some sort of construction that day. I asked him what the hell happened. Where is my son? He didn’t know. My brother forgot. The daycare should have called me at work. Why didn’t they?

I wept in my bed for the longest time. When I went to court, I asked them to let my son’s father Josh – who was testing negative for drugs – take Preston home and out of the foster care. Just until I got through the motions and hoops they wanted me to jump through. Then he could come home. I just didnt want him in foster care. I swear.

Josh’s parents hired the most expensive, focused attorney. I had a court appointed attorney. Josh was found guilty of molesting his little brother years earlier, as a child, but they still awarded him custody.

It’s been over 2 years since I’ve seen my Preston. I only have pictures. I am told by those that run into him, that he is smart and clever, and he looks more like his dad then he used to. That his hair is darker. That he is strong. I miss him so much. Josh was supposed to give me visitation, but never did. My attorney said to leave it alone until my case with my younger children is over. I hope Preston still remembers me. I hope he loves me. I hope to see him soon.

Josh called me. A few months ago.. said he would send pictures, set up visits, let me talk to Preston on the phone. Then he never called again. I tried the numbers over and over. He won’t call back. I know he’s angry that I kept Preston from him years ago. He was on drugs though. That’s why. How long must he be bitter? Why punish our son? Make him think his dad’s girlfriend loves him more than I?

That’s all for now

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11:28 central time 3/24/10

March 24, 2010 at 11:44 am (The Present)

Would you believe that I seriously have nothing to do today?? I’m involved with The Department of Human Services..wait..usually people hear this and think “She must be a drug addict or beat her children”. Nope.

In 20o5 I was arrested for a small amount of marajuana, I was a stupid, stupid young woman. I had a boyfriend living with us. He didn’t work, I was a waitress, couldn’t pay the bills barely.

Anyways, DHS got involved and stayed involved everytime I had another baby. I had 2 more. In 2007, and 11 months later in 2008.

They make me approve people to even befriend. In this past October, 2009 I let my mom babysit while I went out for a few glasses of wine and a game of pool with some friends. My mom has been sober for awhile – up until that point, babysitting for my sister (3 kids). It was her first time watching my 1 and 2 year old. I planned it all out; she had emergency numbers, I had an extra cell battery charged. She insisted they spend the whole night so she could make them breakfast. I agreed.

The next morning, I called her to tell her I was on my way, and she told me my 2 year old son somehow got on her 2nd story balcony, and was locked outside for a few hours. He suffered hypothermia, but no permanent damage. She was at the police station with my 1 year old daughter, and my son was at the hospital with a social worker.

My case has been ongoing in one way or another for about 5 years. It was to close only a month after this last incident. Since I didn’t get my mom approved to babysit, my children were placed in foster care for the 2nd time. She was not charged with anything. I thought she’d at least get child endangerment – but she has done so many things and gotten away with it all.

Over a year ago, prior, my kids spent 8 months in foster care because my city was flooded and I moved to Arkansas with my 2 small children and their father – who was not supposed to be around. They took my kids from me in church and flew them back to Iowa. We took a 3 day bus.

So we have court on the 16th and 20th of April 2010. They are trying to terminate my parental rights now.

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