1:23pm 3/24/10

March 24, 2010 at 1:41 pm (The Present)

I talked to Lindsay on the phone. She’s my best friend since 5th grade. She’s been around for a lot of the dramas. Yet, a few years ago, before it really got bad (my adult life) she became a mother and a girlfriend. She started college,  and was buying a place to live.. I didn’t see much of her unless I went there. I didn’t like that much because her boyfriend was there usually and we had no privacy to talk. (Sorry Rob, it’s nothin personal!)

Lindsay doesn’t seem to judge me. Sometimes I wonder why she sticks around. Maybe I amuse her. LOL. My life is a huge steaming pile of shit usually. Linds does pray for me, though. As I do for her. We try to remind eachother that God has this big master plan for us. I just wish I knew what he is preparing me for? The psych ward? Because if they take my children for letting my mother babysit without being approved first, then I will lose my freaking mind. That’s plain and simple.

Do you know what a guardian ad litem is? Well, if you don’t, it’s an attorney hired by the state to represent children that cannot speak for themselves. My 2 year old talks. He bawls every time a visit ends. Why do we need her? I’m sure there’s good GAL’s out there, but I have this list I got of their job description, and this one doesn’t do her job. On top of that, she hates me, and SURE lets that be known.

I have nobody to talk to. Is anyone even reading this?

I’ve been getting 2 visits per week with my kids since October. A few weeks ago, it went from fully supervised to semi-supervised with myself transporting my children. Last week we decided on another visit a week, to begin next week. I set this visit up with a provider I set myself up with. Had my attorney advised me that I could have progressed further before termination court, by setting up more visits, I would have my kids on a trial home placement or close, by now.

Why would my attorney fail to mention details like that?

You know, I have made mistakes. My attorney says “dont minimize”, that makes me sound like I don’t care or something. Well, here it is in black and white for ya’ll: A few YEARS ago I broke a rule and had my kids’ dad around them. YEARS passed and then this last October I let my mom babysit… this is why they have decided to possibly remove my babies FOREVER. So….I don’t know about you, but that is a bunch of bullshit to me. Sorry if I offended anyone’s beliefs. I BELIEVE that problems arise in every family, and they deal with them. I didn’t know my mother could not babysit! She’s my mom! She can care for my baby sister and baby brother, and my small neices and nephews, but NOT MY KIDS?

 I would rather be with my kids then go anywhere. Don’t mistake that. I just hadn’t seen my friends in so long, and wanted so very much to sit back in a chair, relax my shoulders for once in 5 years, and sip a glass of wine, talk about politics, and school, and boys. Anything but the case for one night. That was all.

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