1:23pm 3/24/10

March 24, 2010 at 1:41 pm (The Present)

I talked to Lindsay on the phone. She’s my best friend since 5th grade. She’s been around for a lot of the dramas. Yet, a few years ago, before it really got bad (my adult life) she became a mother and a girlfriend. She started college,  and was buying a place to live.. I didn’t see much of her unless I went there. I didn’t like that much because her boyfriend was there usually and we had no privacy to talk. (Sorry Rob, it’s nothin personal!)

Lindsay doesn’t seem to judge me. Sometimes I wonder why she sticks around. Maybe I amuse her. LOL. My life is a huge steaming pile of shit usually. Linds does pray for me, though. As I do for her. We try to remind eachother that God has this big master plan for us. I just wish I knew what he is preparing me for? The psych ward? Because if they take my children for letting my mother babysit without being approved first, then I will lose my freaking mind. That’s plain and simple.

Do you know what a guardian ad litem is? Well, if you don’t, it’s an attorney hired by the state to represent children that cannot speak for themselves. My 2 year old talks. He bawls every time a visit ends. Why do we need her? I’m sure there’s good GAL’s out there, but I have this list I got of their job description, and this one doesn’t do her job. On top of that, she hates me, and SURE lets that be known.

I have nobody to talk to. Is anyone even reading this?

I’ve been getting 2 visits per week with my kids since October. A few weeks ago, it went from fully supervised to semi-supervised with myself transporting my children. Last week we decided on another visit a week, to begin next week. I set this visit up with a provider I set myself up with. Had my attorney advised me that I could have progressed further before termination court, by setting up more visits, I would have my kids on a trial home placement or close, by now.

Why would my attorney fail to mention details like that?

You know, I have made mistakes. My attorney says “dont minimize”, that makes me sound like I don’t care or something. Well, here it is in black and white for ya’ll: A few YEARS ago I broke a rule and had my kids’ dad around them. YEARS passed and then this last October I let my mom babysit… this is why they have decided to possibly remove my babies FOREVER. So….I don’t know about you, but that is a bunch of bullshit to me. Sorry if I offended anyone’s beliefs. I BELIEVE that problems arise in every family, and they deal with them. I didn’t know my mother could not babysit! She’s my mom! She can care for my baby sister and baby brother, and my small neices and nephews, but NOT MY KIDS?

 I would rather be with my kids then go anywhere. Don’t mistake that. I just hadn’t seen my friends in so long, and wanted so very much to sit back in a chair, relax my shoulders for once in 5 years, and sip a glass of wine, talk about politics, and school, and boys. Anything but the case for one night. That was all.

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11:28 central time 3/24/10

March 24, 2010 at 11:44 am (The Present)

Would you believe that I seriously have nothing to do today?? I’m involved with The Department of Human Services..wait..usually people hear this and think “She must be a drug addict or beat her children”. Nope.

In 20o5 I was arrested for a small amount of marajuana, I was a stupid, stupid young woman. I had a boyfriend living with us. He didn’t work, I was a waitress, couldn’t pay the bills barely.

Anyways, DHS got involved and stayed involved everytime I had another baby. I had 2 more. In 2007, and 11 months later in 2008.

They make me approve people to even befriend. In this past October, 2009 I let my mom babysit while I went out for a few glasses of wine and a game of pool with some friends. My mom has been sober for awhile – up until that point, babysitting for my sister (3 kids). It was her first time watching my 1 and 2 year old. I planned it all out; she had emergency numbers, I had an extra cell battery charged. She insisted they spend the whole night so she could make them breakfast. I agreed.

The next morning, I called her to tell her I was on my way, and she told me my 2 year old son somehow got on her 2nd story balcony, and was locked outside for a few hours. He suffered hypothermia, but no permanent damage. She was at the police station with my 1 year old daughter, and my son was at the hospital with a social worker.

My case has been ongoing in one way or another for about 5 years. It was to close only a month after this last incident. Since I didn’t get my mom approved to babysit, my children were placed in foster care for the 2nd time. She was not charged with anything. I thought she’d at least get child endangerment – but she has done so many things and gotten away with it all.

Over a year ago, prior, my kids spent 8 months in foster care because my city was flooded and I moved to Arkansas with my 2 small children and their father – who was not supposed to be around. They took my kids from me in church and flew them back to Iowa. We took a 3 day bus.

So we have court on the 16th and 20th of April 2010. They are trying to terminate my parental rights now.

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